Sleep

 

Sleep patterns and strategies.

There are many different idea out there around sleep training, what's best for the babies and for the parents or other siblings. There is also a lot of competition or stigma around sleep when becoming a parent.

Instead of criticising, we should be helping each other. Realising that ever baby is different therefore what works for some does not work for other. We personally have felt this pressure. I want to share with you the trouble we had and how we faced that.

Ariyah has never been a great sleeper, even as a newborn. Yes she slept as at first babies spend a lot of their time sleeping. However she suffered badly with a cold which would disrupt her sleep. She would be all sniffy which made it hard for her to breath when she was laid flat. Also being premmy she needed feeding every 2 hours. By the time we feed her, changed her, calmed her, she  was due a feed again.

This is where it first start, so heard the saying never wake a sleeping baby. Well we were told the opposite. Because she was premmy and only weighing 5lb she needed to be feed first every hour in her first week of life, then went to every 2. She also was jaundice which meant it was important to keep feeding often in order to flush out the extra bilirubin that was produced, which causes the jaundice. Jaundice makes them sleepy and not wake for feeds. So we had to wake her up. Along with this she suffered from colic due to reflux, which meant again we had to feed little and often.

While she may have slept, her daddies didn't. By the time we made her bottle, changed, feed and calmed her down. We had to beginning preparing her next feed which did not leave us much time to sleep at night or do anything during the day. Lucky me and Ben had a routine, where he would sleep after dinner at 7ish til 1am. So il do that time then he take over til morning when I slept. This worked so well when she was young, and I went back to work.

But with the reflux and colic she would scream for hours thus keeping us both up. No one believed us and it cause a lot unsettled disburbed nights. You can read about this in a previous post.

Moving on from that as she got older it slowly started to get better however with the reflux we had to hold her upright after her feeds, leading to her falling asleep in our arms. Now she has got used to it, thus that is what she expects. It comforts her to feel safe and allows her milk to settle.

Now she getting heavy and so big its hard to stand a rock her with you are my sunshine (her song she has to have). We have to play it on repeat while standing up rocking her. We have started to try and put her down to self sooth but only had a few success.

Sleep training or methods. 

As I said there are many but these are the two main ones, which I will talk though and our thoughts on them. Then touch on what we have been doing how it works or doesn't work.

1)- Cry it out method.
I'm sure everyone heard of this. This iis a method that is done to allow a baby to learn to self sooth. There are many variety of this method. Butt the main idea is the put baby downto sleep while awake and leave them to fusss or cry til theey are asleep. Somme people will go in to provide the baby with comfort about a variable amount of time by just placing dummy back in or shhhhh. Then then leave the room and repeat til the baby is asleep. Pprefessional state that this should only be done once a baby is over 4 months or ones they are sleeping though without needing a feed. To be able to make those connections and self sooth which out stressing them out as a newborn will need comfort.

https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/crying-it-out.aspx

There is mixed idea around this method from many people as well as professional. Mainly on the impact to the babies development due to stress levels that can cause a baby to feel unloved or abondaded,  if left to long to cry. Where as also getting a baby to self sooth is a great development skill at the same time. Causing less long term stress levels. Thus there needs to be a balance.

2) No cry method
This is also to develop self soothing, with comfort. There are other names like chair method or shush and pat method. But ultimately you rock and comfort your baby until they are almost asleep, just drifting off before placing them down. Then stay near, eirther in eye sight or just out of view but so they know your still there. Some people start right beside the baby then move further away until they can gradually put the baby down and leave the room. Then when the baby crys first comfort without picking them up, with shushes, singing their favourite song. Stoke or rubbing them, whatever calms your baby. If they cry and get inconsolable then pick them up gently rock and place back down. Repeat until they are asleep. This is a fased method and again can be interpretated in different ways, which is best for individual babies and parents. It still provide comfort and reassurance, while teaching babies to self sooth.


There are other methods that steam from this, but ultimately it should come down to what's best for the baby and you. Do let other tell you how or what to do. We had it many time feeling pressured to just let her cry it out. People would state 'your picking her up to much'. But we just did what Ariyah needed us to do.

How we felt as parents.

Me and Ben have never agreed with cry it out method, personally we feel it is not right for us or ariyah. I have read and research about the science behind leaving a baby to cry. Because yes while they learn to self sooth it is through stress. Instead they learn that no one is coming to comfort them so they cry themselves to sleep. It has been researched to have lasting effects to the the development of the pathways in the brain which can then lead to anxiety and mental health later in life. Leaving baby to feel unloved or abandoned. Then after losing Nico we could not sit back and listen to her scream or get so upset.

Adding to that when Ariyah-mai was born, it was clear that would of not worked even if we were going to try. Reflux and cold being one but also she gets so upset, working herself up to the point int she would hold her breath or choke. That's with us holding and calming her. Let alone if we even tryed to leave her to it. She would grab onto us and snuggle in our arms.

So our method since being settled after moving, her being in her own room is the no cry method. We rock and sing to her until she almost asleep, before placing her in her cot. If not we try settle her in the cot by sing her song or with shushing noises. We rub her chest and stroke her face which she likes. But as soon as she crys and gets worked up we pick her up, to comfort rock her until she is calm, then put her back down again. Furthermore repeating this until she is down. Sometimes she falls straight to sleep, whilst other times it can take ages, with several time in and out of the cot. But she is getting better each night.

How Ariyah has slept from birth

So from birth we held her and rocked her to sleep, mainly because of her reflux, colic and her cold. This meant she then relied on us to settle her. This is very hard moving forward, to then teach a baby to self sooth. Which we experienced first hand.

Once her refflux settled a bit we did put her down more, she would always wanted to be held. But it was taking it's toll when she wouldn't sleep or nap in the day unless we held her, rocked her played and played her song. Then once she was asleep we had to hold her, or she be wide awake again.

This was not what we planed but was not under our control, we did what she needed. Meanwhile trying to start puting her down more to get used to it.

Now she is six months and we still struggle with her sleep. She has never had much of a routine. With us traveling a alot, me having surgery, then us moving there was always a lot going on. She wouldd usually sleep in the pram when we were out and about. At night she was still waking ones or twice for feeds. But generally slept okay.

Then we moved. Obviously this was a new house, environment and everything had changed. She was now sleeping in her cot. Also we were noot able to go out due to lockdown with the current epidemic so she did not get those naps in the pram as usual. While putting her in the pram up and down the garden helped sometimes or in the house but was not the same, because as soon as we stopped rocking the pram she would wake up. If we tried to put her down she wake instantly. Even if she was in a deep sleep, the moment we placed her down it was like a switch. She wake or if we manage to get her down she wake very soon after. This meant her naaps during the day were no more then 30-45 mins. She then got overtired and grounchy which effected all of us. So we had to let her fall asleep and lay with on one of us on the sofa. Leaving the other to tidy or do chores. We would switch each time to take turns.

This was okay for now because we were on lockdown, I therefore was not at work. There was no rush for things that urgently to get done. However we knew we needed to try and get her to seetle being put down so a we could spend timme as a couple. Also so she then did not get used it and forever rely on us. But the fact everything was new and things were confusing and unsettled we knew it would take time. Sometimes we she would fight her sleep which is something again she had always done. But the bigger she got the hard it was, as she would scream waving her arms and legs to stay awake. She knock her dummy out, try sit up and even push or hit us away. But then would scream, grabbing us, to be held if we put her down. We felt very defeated and at a dead end. At times it took hours settling her, rocking or singing, for her to then sleep 30 mins. It was exhausting for everyone.

At night she was not too bad, woke a few times and would wake up for a feed between midnight and 2 am. Before waking up at 5:30- 6:30. On the odd occasion she slept all the way through from 7:30-6:30 but was not regularly. So she is yet to get to a point where she sleeps through the night really.

Then throw teething it to the mix, does not help.  We also think she was doing through a growth spurt as her feeds were changing and as she was eating more solids.

But she is getting better, her naps are longer most of the time over an hour. Not fighting as much and will fall a sleep to nap after a bottle. We also can put her down in her cot or pram to nap as well. Then sleeping at night can be off and on we have good and bad nights.

We found that routine was key. Finding a routine that works is really important, especially at bedtime. We have made sure that Ariyah-mai's bedtime routine has always been the same. It was her day routine we struggled with. She would change her amounts of milk, when she had it and when she napped. It was hard to work out what was best. We now figure that it is better to give herr breakfast before milk as it settles her reflux and stomach otherwise she is sick all morning. We also workedd put that she napped better and longer in the late afternoon. That way she was also not over tired meaning she settle better at night. If sshe woke during thee night we would not turn any lights on, we would not talk or play with her. No matter how wide awake she was or how long it took to re-settle her. We would just rock her, sing or play her music until she was back to sleep.

Routine.

Our current routine that we are finding is really working (it took a long time, with lots of trial. Aand error to get it right ffor her)

Wake up 6-6:30. Go down upstairs for quiet play. Sometime 2oz off milk if she has slept through.

7am: medication for reflux

Half 7-8: breakfast, (soilds)

8-:30. She can sit andd play in her chair or on sofa a with us. Some timme wee put some cartoons on (this is before of herr reflux we have to keep her upright andd still for 20-30 mins after milk and eating. It is not easy now she older.

8:30-9am: Get dressed and play in her room.

9: sometime more playing or a little walk.

9-9:30. Milk and will fall asleep. Nap around half hour

10-11:30. Once awake we play, try do art or an activity, or go in the garden when it's nice.

11:30-12pm: lunch. Finger food. Followed by trying to keep her upright again. Sit and playing with her.

12:30- 1: milk and another nap (sometimes)
More garden or walk if she needs to nap and is fighting it.

2-4/4:30. Lots of playing, will have fruit or crisp as a snack around 3.

4:30pm- more milk and longer nap. 1-2 hours

6-6:30 dinner, family meal all together.

6-:30 TV time, in the night garden and bedtime stories.

7pm bath, wash down, pj and story.

7:15/7:30pm. Last bottle and bed. We try make it to 7:30 however sometime if she not lapped long enough it's closer to 7. Will go down for the night.

Sometimes will wake between midnight and 2ish for a bottle but most nights now sleeps through.

Sleeping in her own room 

However as of 2 weeks (Friday 24 April) at 6 months and a week old we transitioned her into her own room. We had painted and decorated it all for her. We started by playing up there in the day to get her used to being in the room. Then we put her down in the cot for her first nap. Before putting her to sleep that night. It was scary, but needed to be done. We needed our room and space and she needed hers. One reason was when we came up to bed or if we moved or went toilet in the night it would disturb her and sometimes wake her. She started sleeping through a few nights or only waking to be feed and going straight back down. So it seemed the right time.

I think it was more scary and unsettling for us. I stayed up watching the camera most of the night. It was weird not hearing her breathing for the last six months she been there. But she was okay. We are almost 2 weeks in and not doing too bad.

1st night she went down at 7:30 was slightly unsettled at 11:30, but feel back after a cuddle. Then at 1:30-2:30 she just didn't want to be put down so I sat holding her in her room, but after milk at 2:30 she then slept until 5:30. She had a cuddle with us in bed, before all getting up. Second night she was a bit better only waking twice. Then she is now starting to sleep all the way through, occasionally waking for a extra feed or she figet have a cry but by the time we have gone in she has put herself back to sleep.

So we will let you all know how the next few weeks go. As I said do what's best for the baby and your family, don't let others tell you want to do. It is okay if your baby isnot yet in a routine or has bad nights it is normal for them to wake during the night especially in the first year. So just know we are all in this together parenthood is hard, tiring and that is okay. We can help eackther. If you have any tips or struggles comment and I'm sure we can help one another or you maybe you are able to help someone else.

Photos of her bedroom.

(Written in may 2020)