How me and Ben met
Ben and I have been together over 3 years but official only 2 years 10 months. Which actually is not very long, however we have been though so much it feels like a life time. This is the first photo we took together when we met.
So we actually met on Facebook, we were on a trans support page where we had commented on things and been in conversations but had not actually spoke one to one. We had a lot of mutual friends as well. Being a part of a community like the LGBT+ one, you soon learn that everyone knows each other in some way or another, or have the same mutual friends. It's a close supportive group and we ended up realising we been at a lot of prides and events at the same time without knowing really who each other was.
So it was November 2016, that we truly started speaking all day everyday. We very quickly got to know each other. I was having a difficult time I had just come out as trans was still figuring out my sexuality and what this all meant to me. How I fit into my world, my family and uni as a man. I had not long broke up with my ex. As I transition it dug up a lot that had happened in my past, which i had to come to terms with all at the same time.
Ben came around at the right time, he really was a saver to me. He was there for me when I needed someone the most. At first as a friend, then became more as our connection was just unexpected. He had been though his own challenges with transitioning so we were able to understand each other on a deeper level. We had simpler pasts and were just perfect for each other then and still are.
After texting, face timing and calling whenever we could, Ben travelled to Canterbury to come and stay we me on the 6th of December 2016.I remember being so nervous to have him come and stay with me. He come to my show choir Christmas concern. I loved to sing but had not really let people come and hear, because I was had no confident. Despite this I have not stopped singing to Ben and the baby too since that day. He loves me singing to him. He has given me so much confidence and supports me in anything I do.
After that concern, we went to a LGBT+ night with all my friends. He got thrown in the deep end meeting all my closest friends and housemates that night. He did get a drunk lecture off my two closest friends about looking after me which was funny. I felt for him that night when we had our first kiss, as we had a sneaking one, hoping my friends did not see. That did not last long they all knew by the end of the night. He made me happy and they all my friends liked Ben, that meant a lot to me.
We then got together on the
16/12/2016. I went to stay with him a in London and just had to ask him out officially. We Practical moved in together when he moved to ashford in February. In April when Ben had surgery he stayed with me in my uni house before, we moved to London together in May. We lived with his family until November 2017 when we moved into our current 2 bed flat. The summer before this Ben proposed to me at trans pride in July 2017,
we got married the next year in May 2018.
16/12/2016. I went to stay with him a in London and just had to ask him out officially. We Practical moved in together when he moved to ashford in February. In April when Ben had surgery he stayed with me in my uni house before, we moved to London together in May. We lived with his family until November 2017 when we moved into our current 2 bed flat. The summer before this Ben proposed to me at trans pride in July 2017,we got married the next year in May 2018.
In June we found out we were pregnant with Nico, now a year later we are 29 weeks with our second baby. Although it many seem quick, I love him so much and would not have had it any other way.
There has been many people though out the years saying we got together too quickly, that we moved to fast however I do not believe that, I feel that once you know then life is to short to not follow your heart. It was right for Ben and myself so that is all that mattered. Here we are almost three years later we are living together, marriage and daddies to our angel and a rainbow baby due in 10 weeks.
That is a brief, quick explanation of how we met, and our life over the last 3 years. For a more in depth tour of our lives, check out our first post on our previous blog, link at the bottom. As well as our planning for a family and pregnancy with Nico. Which I will go over briefly now, however for more details click the link below for previous blog.
Planning for a family.
Me and Ben always knew as kids that we wanted our own family, we longed for that perfect life. However being trans and gay your made to believe that you can not achieve this. That having this 'norm' of marriage, children is harder and just not expected within the LGBT+ community. We then realised that this is not the case, it is how others perceived us but just because we were gay or trans we were not going to let that stop us from having our dream family.
Firstly we thought adoption was our only option, being trans and male you get told by other trans people, by doctors and gender specialists as well as general society then men can not have children, or are not meant to. Meaning that if we wanted to be seen as men and transition how could we want children. You know because men do not have that desire like women. Society believes it is only women how are material, this is sexist and complete untrue. Men can be nurturing as well as wanting a family and kids. How can anyone truly state that men would not want to carry a child if men had the biology to do so. We had the desire and a womb to be able to have that opportunity to carry a child. Something many people want but can not because they are infertile in some way or another, or have many complication. Trans men carrying their babies is more common then people realise.
I had complications myself due to have poly cystic ovaries, hip and back injuries as well as being so petite. I was not on hormones but close to getting them therefore I did not want to carry a child at this time. Ben on the other hand really wanted to experience having his own child. I was actually surprised when he told me he wanted to carry, of course I supported him. Whatever it took we wanted a family and he wanted to be pregnant, hence we started researching into it. Ben spoke to gender specialist to get the best knowledge and support to proceed. Other people around us were also surprised but unfortunately not so supportive of Ben's decision, but nothing would stop us achieving our dreams. There is stigma and not much research into trans men carrying a child, especially as Ben had been on hormones. He came off hormones in summer 2017 to settle his cycles, to have checks to see if he could carry.
Once Ben's cycles had returned regularly and we were able to plot his ovulation each month. We then set out look for sperm donor. We could not afford going though a clinic and doing IVF. We did not get funding because a trans, gay couple were not seen as an infertile couple in thee eye of the NHS. Therefore we looked for private sperm donors on Facebook group. This came with many challenges, disappointment and some discrimination, which was to be expected.
We did actually have one donation from a know donor, he was very common and later we found out he had over 800 kids that were conceived though donations, along with three himself. Thankful it did not take with him, but that left us with no donor the next month. It was hard to find someone who respect us a gay dads, and trans. To not discrimination or judge us. We did have many rude and disrespectful comments as well as some very explicitly sexual ones. But after a few months a donor got in touch with us. After meting him and getting to know him, his family history, medical history we decided to use him in may 2018
Obviously we wanted to ensure he was healthy, he had taken sexual health sex to rule out any STI's along with general medical health checks, all results were clear. We then met again to discuss his rights, how that because me and Ben were marriage this stripped him of rights automatically. As Ben would have full maternal rights being the one carrying and I as his husband would have parental father rights. I will be on the birth certificate meaning we did not have to worry about the donor later trying to get custody. This was one of the reasons we got marriage quickly, to give us the donor and our child that security by law. However the donor did not wanting contact, he was an older gay man who had a husband and they were happy with not having their own children. Our donor just wanted to help other families especially LGBT couple have children. His husband was on board and everyone was in agreement. This meant a lot to us having a gay man help us because he then understood our relationship, there was not conflict or need to explain, he just understood and became part of our unique journey.
He is the same donor we used for Nico and for rainbow. He had been so supportive and willing to help us again. We were the first couple he help and we soon became friends with him, not just him being a donor. He kept in contact thought out the pregnancy to see how we were. When we lost Nico it hit him too, he grieved too and was there for us the whole time. He came to the memorial the hospital organised earlier this year. We have met up for lunch with him recently and it been lovely to build a friendship and bond with someone who is important in creating our family together.
When the baby is here all he asks if to know their here safe and have a photo. There he will have as little contact as we want or as the child wants when they are older enough to understand. We are not going to lie to our child as being trans and gay, our child will know as they get older that naturally we could not have brought babies into the world without help. Therefore we will explain this as early as possible by being age appropriate building up information the older they get, we think this is important. I have written a short book just simply explain how rainbow came into the world in a way a child will understand.
The other night I randomly woke up with this lovely thought of how to explain it all which I will share because I think it is a beautiful way for a child to understand the world.
So we will explain that when someone is born they either have an egg or a seed, that most girls have an egg and boys have the seeds however sometime a girl can have a seed and boys can have eggs. That to make a baby you need an egg and a seed so if two people full in love and have the same then they have to get help from some who has the opposite in order to create a new little human. we will tell them that is what we did to create both our babies.
I will explain that 'daddies both had eggs and feel in love. We loved each other so much and wanted a family. That we really wanted you.' this made us sad that we did not have a seed therefore a very kind friend who had one let us use it to create you'
That is what I will tell our child. Then as they grow up and learn in more detail about how the world works and about reproduction in school, what we tell them will all be true and make sense. Rather then these stories of a stork bringing a baby as then when the child learns, they will be confusion or feel lied to. We do not want this, thus being honest from the start. If our child asks questions they are ready for the answer but as the adults we have to adapt the way we explain to the best of our knowledge, while being age appropriate. This way the child is free to ask questions about the world they live in and how they came into the world. They will be inquisitive, intelligent, young minds.
I will talk in more detail in my next post about how we want to raise this baby, what learning and discipline techniques we want to try and just general how we will raise them. So keep posted
(Written at 29 weeks)
He is the same donor we used for Nico and for rainbow. He had been so supportive and willing to help us again. We were the first couple he help and we soon became friends with him, not just him being a donor. He kept in contact thought out the pregnancy to see how we were. When we lost Nico it hit him too, he grieved too and was there for us the whole time. He came to the memorial the hospital organised earlier this year. We have met up for lunch with him recently and it been lovely to build a friendship and bond with someone who is important in creating our family together.
When the baby is here all he asks if to know their here safe and have a photo. There he will have as little contact as we want or as the child wants when they are older enough to understand. We are not going to lie to our child as being trans and gay, our child will know as they get older that naturally we could not have brought babies into the world without help. Therefore we will explain this as early as possible by being age appropriate building up information the older they get, we think this is important. I have written a short book just simply explain how rainbow came into the world in a way a child will understand.
The other night I randomly woke up with this lovely thought of how to explain it all which I will share because I think it is a beautiful way for a child to understand the world.
So we will explain that when someone is born they either have an egg or a seed, that most girls have an egg and boys have the seeds however sometime a girl can have a seed and boys can have eggs. That to make a baby you need an egg and a seed so if two people full in love and have the same then they have to get help from some who has the opposite in order to create a new little human. we will tell them that is what we did to create both our babies.
I will explain that 'daddies both had eggs and feel in love. We loved each other so much and wanted a family. That we really wanted you.' this made us sad that we did not have a seed therefore a very kind friend who had one let us use it to create you'
That is what I will tell our child. Then as they grow up and learn in more detail about how the world works and about reproduction in school, what we tell them will all be true and make sense. Rather then these stories of a stork bringing a baby as then when the child learns, they will be confusion or feel lied to. We do not want this, thus being honest from the start. If our child asks questions they are ready for the answer but as the adults we have to adapt the way we explain to the best of our knowledge, while being age appropriate. This way the child is free to ask questions about the world they live in and how they came into the world. They will be inquisitive, intelligent, young minds.
I will talk in more detail in my next post about how we want to raise this baby, what learning and discipline techniques we want to try and just general how we will raise them. So keep posted
(Written at 29 weeks)
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