Ben's post - how i feel

 

Ben's experience and feeling. 

Pregnancy is suppose to be filled with joy, wonder, excitement and love. Nothing changes this quite like the death of a baby, whether they are stillborn, miscarriage or as a young child. but a pregnancy following a loss is filled with worry and fear as well as all the above it is just damped by that grief.

My first baby died before he even got to take a breath, he was born an angel at 16 weeks and 3 days gestation in august 2018. This nearly killed me, I was so low and the affect that losing our son, Nico had on both of us will stay forever. 

Despite this pain we had in our lives, we longed for a family and wanted to try again. Not to replace Nico, because no one could ever replace him. We just wanted a family, then since our first born was taken away from us we decided after some time that we would try again. I needed time to sort my mental heath out. I was terrified but holding on to the hope that our angel will send us a rainbow baby when he knew we were ready and he will watch over his sibling. 

After Nico's original due date in February, we had a donation. This was our third one, only 7 short months after he passed, I was not excepting to fall. However I took a test on the 13th of March to see the word "pregnant" flashing before my eyes. If this had been a pregnancy without a previous loss  I would have been so happy, with joy and excitement like I was with Nico. Instead I immediately started panicking. I was home alone as Shane was at work, instantly I felt sick to my stomach, hands shaking pacing around, not knowing weather to call Shane or not. I eventually did call him and he reassured me. 

Desperately I tried to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions swirling around my head. Am I happy? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Yet absolutely terrified? YES YES YES. I just did not know what to feel or how to respond, because Nico was ill and born to early. I had no frame of reference for a "normal" pregnancy. No clue about going full term and having a living healthy baby. I did not think it was possible. 

I knew that it was unlikely to occur again and lots of people who have had miscarriage went on to have healthy babies, but I could not shake the memories of Nico's life ending. To hear those words  'I'm sorry there is no heartbeat' 

I am living moment to moment, at this time just hoping that this little one is here to stay. I was holding it together then other times I was a mess. I was constantly checking if I was bleeding whenever I went to the toilet. Worrying if my pregnancy symptoms were still there, unable to think of anything else. 

I had lots of scans, testing for infections very early on. I had a bit of bleeding early on so had many ultrasounds. Although these all showed that the baby was healthy I still panicked and worried. We just had to keep strong and positive together. I was also having my cervix checked regularly, at 15 weeks it was confirmed that my cervix was shortening so I had to have the cervical stitch put in. I was anxious and stressed that it was not picked up sooner. I had mixed emotions about the surgery but knew it would keep the baby safe. It came with risks but it was worth it to protect our rainbow. It went well and now I just have to rest. I am very bored on bed rest and with nothing to distracted myself from all the worrying it is hard but I am staying positive and doing well. 

At 18 weeks we had a private scan we found out what sex the baby was. We wanted to find out so we could plan and prepare ourselves, I was worried if we have another boy people would think we were replacing Nico. Which would never happen or that it could trigger my depression, so by finding out we just had time to prepare ourselves and bond with this baby. 

While thing are going well and we are now 22 weeks I am terrified that something will happen or go wrong, the fear of losing again and the unknown consumes me day to day. During one of my bereavement sessions I told the therapist about my fear that we were excepting again, she has been very supportive in helping me understand these feelings. That what I am feeling is to be excepted, explainable and can be managed. By instead of trying to predict whether things were going alright, reminding myself that even if the worst happens again I can not do anything about it. That I should stay in the present moment. Then if or went the present moment bring on something difficult then I can panic, worry and deal with it. alternatively trusting that no matter what I can get through it. This has been the key and what I have reminded myself.  

Yes it is true that I have survived the unimaginable and I am starting to heal. I know that by thinking too far into the future, I am only creating more anxiety and panic for myself, which is not good for the baby either. All I knew in the moment is that I am pregnant and that it is all perfect. I know that by trying to be mindful and stay positive I will reduce unnecessary suffering. I have to just keep positive live in the present time and do everything that I need for this pregnancy and this baby.

I decided that I will take things as they come, within that moment. If I start to panic I remind myself  that rainbow if okay, It is hard, believe me but it creates space for joy and excitement. To allow myself to enjoy the pregnancy experience and bond with our little one. The joy has started to consumes more time then fear, but the fear still lingers in the background. 

At first I could not connect to the fact I was pregnant again after losing Nico, nevertheless once we got passed 16 week I started to fell more relaxed and joy about excepting again. Now we are 22 weeks I have connected more with rainbow, I still felt guilty that I can not fully enjoy the pregnancy. I do not know if this is because of my grief or because I can not feel baby moving regularly yet. I have only felt a few flutters over the last few days. I do feel bad that I have not fully connected to rainbow like I did with Nico, this is making me feel low as I do really want this baby. I guess it is just hard with everything that has happened. I will always be scared it will happen again until the baby is here alive and safe.

Maybe once I feel our baby moving more, it will help, it will just be hard as we have not got another scan planned until 28 weeks. Which is on the day of Nico's birth anniversary. I have mixed feeling as it will be lovely to see our little one but hard as well. Also looking at booking another private 4D scan which may help it seem more real. Right now I am just keeping rested, doing what I have to in order to keep this baby safe and protected. I am staying positive and am excited more to plan and have our rainbow here. 

(Written at 22 weeks)