Anxiety with pregnancy after loss
How do I even begin, your pregnancy brings a whirlwind of emotions anyways but when your already experience a loss of a baby you just do not know how to feel. Those who have had a miscarriage, stillborn or lost a child and then got pregnant again will be able to relate, those of you who have not experienced it, I will try and explain.
Like I was so excited when Ben told me, then suddenly there was this sink in my heart and dryness in my throat, just like a wave of worry and fear. I try to push it aside and stay positive however it is always there.
This time we have decided not to tell everyone, only a few close people who have been there for us through everything, with losing Nico and trying again. We did not expect to fall again so soon. We were just excited, shocked and worry all in one. We told people close to us like my friends Ron and Scott and Lukas as they have always been there, also Ben and I needed people to talk to when we felt anxious.
Straight away we emailed the specialist midwife and got a GP appointment so we could get referred early. We were told to do this when we had Nico's postmortem results. Ben also went and got a test done for the BV infection that he had with Nico which came back negative. That put our mind at rest because we knew he did not have the infection. Now all we could do is make sure we were eating right, that Ben was taking vitamins and we were just looking after him and the baby.
We would get excited and talk about the baby, and stuff which was nice but also I found it hard. I was staying positive and was excited so I wanted to talk about our rainbow, like any expecting parents we wanted to plan. Meanwhile it was also hard and difficult to get excited and deep down there was fear that we would lose another. But we stayed strong together.
We got our first appointment with the midwives and specialist, we got appointment for our scan all early and this helped by having a plan and points to look forward to. It meant we could have midwives involved from 5 weeks and early scans and information. But more so just having the reassurance and support.
However before our first appointment Ben had some bleeding just before 5 weeks. I was at work and so was he, he tried to call me but could not get through, it was not until my lunch an hour or so later I saw his text and rang him. At this point his work had called an ambulance and taken him to a hospital near there, which was far from my work and I had no idea where it was. Ben however reassured me that he was okay and that he would text or call the office if he needed me and if it got worse. I could not really leave as I was leading a session and we had low staff. Lucky Ben text saying everything was okay and I met him after work to rest at home. He was told to go back in 2 weeks to the Early pregnancy unit at our hospital. It was still very early, they saw the sack and yolk but that was it.
So we had an early scan at the EPU and our first appointment which was great being able to talk through worries and put a plan in place for this pregnancy, like what we wanted to check and who we want in our care. we chose to have the mental health team involved and Dr Seal, who is the gender clinics endocrinologist. We were in there for hours as Lorraine joined us, she part of the mental health antenatal team, who we had appointments with when we were pregnant with Nico. So we just talked and came out feeling positive. we had great care, which really made a difference to help us think positively.
The next week or so was fine he had no bleeding we were doing well, Ben sickness had started which was a good sign, meanwhile he was getting cramps and every little pain Ben was worried and panicked, I had to reassure him that it is all normal and the baby is fine. His sickness and headaches started getting worse where he brought up food the minute he ate. So we were waiting for our next appointment with the specialist who we had our postmortem with in November.
Then 3 days before on the Monday again both at work Ben calls me saying he had more bleeding and it is heavier, he was on his way to St Georges hospital, so I spoken to work and left to met Ben there. We got there at half 12/1 and it was the busiest I had ever seen. People were standing everywhere, sitting on the floor and over 4/5 hours wait. It was ridiculous however we explain to the nurse we had a previous miscarriage and was worried. They did urine sample and rang the gynaecologist team. Sitting there waiting seeing Ben is pain, with the fear in his eyes was horrible. I could not go through this all again. I tried to stay positive and support him while I just wanted to break down. I told him to ring the emergency maternity ward number because we been waiting a while and it was so busy. He spoke to gynaecologist who said he have to wait til 5 to be seen. Lucky it was because we spoke to a midwifes who recognised Ben's voice and she been the midwives who delivered Nico. She pushed for us to have a scan and A&E said they could not send us and to go back tomorrow if it carries on. We did not take this so we went round to the gynaecology ward and told them we needed to be seen. We filled a form in and was told to come back at 5. Ben's friend Lukas came to met us there so he took us for some food in the cafe. I would recommend to anyone in this position, that if you are worried about pains, bleeding or anything in pregnancy go get it checked, do not leave it or sit worrying, go and demand to be seen!
It was nice to have Lukas there and have support, to catch up and chat to pass the time however it was horrible sitting around waiting when we already waited ages. At 5 we went back but the doctor was late. So more waiting which was horrible. It had been 5 hour that we had been there, just left to think the worse and panic. Eventually they brought us in and did a scan. She said she would look first and if there is anything she turn the screen to show us. The minutes she said everything was fine and we saw our baby on the screen and the flicker of their heart was like this weight dropping and relief just washed over. It was amazing and we were so happy that our rainbow was fine. I had sent my own little pray up to Nico and I truly believe he is watching over us and keeping Ben and the baby safe. He is keeping us strong and positive.
So we got another scan and was told we were 6 weeks and 5 days which was less then we thought but she said we get a better idea at our 12 week scan. So with a photo of our rainbow and reassurance we could go home relieved and our minds at rest. Now we have to wait for our second Appointment on Thursday. We also rang to get another test to check for any signs of infection just to be sure. I know we are going to worry and be anxious but I know together we can stay strong and with Nico being an amazing big brother watching over us all from heaven, with all the support from friend who know and from the maternity specialist team we can get through this roller coaster of being parents again.
So please have hope and thoughts for us all. For our son in heaven and our rainbow.
6 weeks and 5 days
(written at 6 weeks 27/03/2019)
Like I was so excited when Ben told me, then suddenly there was this sink in my heart and dryness in my throat, just like a wave of worry and fear. I try to push it aside and stay positive however it is always there.
This time we have decided not to tell everyone, only a few close people who have been there for us through everything, with losing Nico and trying again. We did not expect to fall again so soon. We were just excited, shocked and worry all in one. We told people close to us like my friends Ron and Scott and Lukas as they have always been there, also Ben and I needed people to talk to when we felt anxious.
Straight away we emailed the specialist midwife and got a GP appointment so we could get referred early. We were told to do this when we had Nico's postmortem results. Ben also went and got a test done for the BV infection that he had with Nico which came back negative. That put our mind at rest because we knew he did not have the infection. Now all we could do is make sure we were eating right, that Ben was taking vitamins and we were just looking after him and the baby.
We would get excited and talk about the baby, and stuff which was nice but also I found it hard. I was staying positive and was excited so I wanted to talk about our rainbow, like any expecting parents we wanted to plan. Meanwhile it was also hard and difficult to get excited and deep down there was fear that we would lose another. But we stayed strong together.
We got our first appointment with the midwives and specialist, we got appointment for our scan all early and this helped by having a plan and points to look forward to. It meant we could have midwives involved from 5 weeks and early scans and information. But more so just having the reassurance and support.
However before our first appointment Ben had some bleeding just before 5 weeks. I was at work and so was he, he tried to call me but could not get through, it was not until my lunch an hour or so later I saw his text and rang him. At this point his work had called an ambulance and taken him to a hospital near there, which was far from my work and I had no idea where it was. Ben however reassured me that he was okay and that he would text or call the office if he needed me and if it got worse. I could not really leave as I was leading a session and we had low staff. Lucky Ben text saying everything was okay and I met him after work to rest at home. He was told to go back in 2 weeks to the Early pregnancy unit at our hospital. It was still very early, they saw the sack and yolk but that was it.
So we had an early scan at the EPU and our first appointment which was great being able to talk through worries and put a plan in place for this pregnancy, like what we wanted to check and who we want in our care. we chose to have the mental health team involved and Dr Seal, who is the gender clinics endocrinologist. We were in there for hours as Lorraine joined us, she part of the mental health antenatal team, who we had appointments with when we were pregnant with Nico. So we just talked and came out feeling positive. we had great care, which really made a difference to help us think positively.
The next week or so was fine he had no bleeding we were doing well, Ben sickness had started which was a good sign, meanwhile he was getting cramps and every little pain Ben was worried and panicked, I had to reassure him that it is all normal and the baby is fine. His sickness and headaches started getting worse where he brought up food the minute he ate. So we were waiting for our next appointment with the specialist who we had our postmortem with in November.
Then 3 days before on the Monday again both at work Ben calls me saying he had more bleeding and it is heavier, he was on his way to St Georges hospital, so I spoken to work and left to met Ben there. We got there at half 12/1 and it was the busiest I had ever seen. People were standing everywhere, sitting on the floor and over 4/5 hours wait. It was ridiculous however we explain to the nurse we had a previous miscarriage and was worried. They did urine sample and rang the gynaecologist team. Sitting there waiting seeing Ben is pain, with the fear in his eyes was horrible. I could not go through this all again. I tried to stay positive and support him while I just wanted to break down. I told him to ring the emergency maternity ward number because we been waiting a while and it was so busy. He spoke to gynaecologist who said he have to wait til 5 to be seen. Lucky it was because we spoke to a midwifes who recognised Ben's voice and she been the midwives who delivered Nico. She pushed for us to have a scan and A&E said they could not send us and to go back tomorrow if it carries on. We did not take this so we went round to the gynaecology ward and told them we needed to be seen. We filled a form in and was told to come back at 5. Ben's friend Lukas came to met us there so he took us for some food in the cafe. I would recommend to anyone in this position, that if you are worried about pains, bleeding or anything in pregnancy go get it checked, do not leave it or sit worrying, go and demand to be seen!
It was nice to have Lukas there and have support, to catch up and chat to pass the time however it was horrible sitting around waiting when we already waited ages. At 5 we went back but the doctor was late. So more waiting which was horrible. It had been 5 hour that we had been there, just left to think the worse and panic. Eventually they brought us in and did a scan. She said she would look first and if there is anything she turn the screen to show us. The minutes she said everything was fine and we saw our baby on the screen and the flicker of their heart was like this weight dropping and relief just washed over. It was amazing and we were so happy that our rainbow was fine. I had sent my own little pray up to Nico and I truly believe he is watching over us and keeping Ben and the baby safe. He is keeping us strong and positive.
So we got another scan and was told we were 6 weeks and 5 days which was less then we thought but she said we get a better idea at our 12 week scan. So with a photo of our rainbow and reassurance we could go home relieved and our minds at rest. Now we have to wait for our second Appointment on Thursday. We also rang to get another test to check for any signs of infection just to be sure. I know we are going to worry and be anxious but I know together we can stay strong and with Nico being an amazing big brother watching over us all from heaven, with all the support from friend who know and from the maternity specialist team we can get through this roller coaster of being parents again.
So please have hope and thoughts for us all. For our son in heaven and our rainbow.
6 weeks and 5 days
(written at 6 weeks 27/03/2019)
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