Birth plan - medical awareness of trans couples.

 

 31 weeks- 

Midwives appointment regarding discrinmation 

I can not believe we are now 31 weeks, it still feels like a dream. After everything we been through this last year with losing Nico then the complications this pregnancy has brought on we are always going to feel like we are in a dream until we have our rainbow alive in our arms. We now only have 7 weeks and 4 days to go. However I am back at work I do not get much time to sort out baby stuff, or spend time with Ben. I love the moment when i wake up, roll over to cuddle Ben and get to feel the baby kicking around before i then have to get up for work. I don not get to spend long feeling rubbing Ben's belly or talking to bump now i am working again. The good thing is that work makes time seem to go faster, where i am so busy. but not for Ben who is still on bed rest.

We did however have a 4D scan last weekend that I previously blogged about, it was so precious to see our baby in detail, that rainbow really looks like Ben. also it made it seem very real that soon we would have our baby here and that we were going to be dads again.

We are doing well other than currently both having colds. There is a bug going round, this does not help that Ben has also got low iron as he is anaemic therefore feeling weak and dizzy on top of the cold. He is on iron tablets so this hopefully should help soon. He been just generally uncomfortable, finding it hard to get comfortable as his bump grows. Also with the weather changing he is too cold or too hot. he has been having painful braxton hicks and rib pain where we think the baby is laying in difficult positions.

We did have a unscheduled Midwife appointment to catch up with how things are going due to Ben being in hospital with false contractions at 28 weeks. Then in and out for various reasons/ anxieties since then. I did talk about when we ended up in hospital, that we did face some discrimination for the first time  by a manager in the antenatal ward. This was because we were moved rooms to a private birthing room late at night because they had enforced a policies about partners staying over night. We were not informed until an assistant nurse woke me up at 10:45 pm telling me to go home. She did not really explaining why, when I stayed all week on the same ward when Ben had the stitch put in. Also it was a the week in which we lost Nico the year before, meaning it was a hard time for us being in hospital the same time we lost him. In regards to all of this the duty midwife let me stay. Plus it was not appropriate to wake me up this late and demand I go home. In order for me to stay they had to move us to a private room due to sending other partners home it would not be fair.

The next morning a women come in stating she was acting manager and that she heard there was a issue with us moving rooms because of our gender. That the shared bay is a female ward not for males. This was not the case and she did not even give us a chance to explain. Instead she made her own assumption, going on to be unprofessional by comparing us to another couple who were gay and used a surrogate. She had no right to barge in and assist that we needed to put a plan in place because Ben was male. Considering we had never met her, we did not know who she actually was and she had not even read our notes or let us explain. She then left saying she be back after seeing other people she had to see. Straight away Ben rang our perinatal midwife because our specialist was away. She told us to ignore her and that she would sort the misunderstanding out. Therefore when Mel our midwife was back off leave we had this appointment with her at 31 weeks.

So we explain to Mel what happened and she wrote a response in Ben's notes, stating that is we were admitted before our elected C section then he is allowed on the shared bay and I am allowed to stay. That once baby was born we were to have a private room on the postnatal ward. She also checked babies heart beat with Doppler, found the baby straight away and got to feel the baby kicking around. Also checked how Ben had been with his iron, braxton hicks and cold. She reassured us that all the pains and aches were all normal that he was just getting painful braxton hicks as people are misinformed that braxton hicks are not painful but they can be. She booked us another appointment with her and Austin for 34 weeks. A week after our next scan at 33 weeks.

On an exciting note we spoke about general trans issue and the discrimination we faced by that staff member, that people want to get involved for their own intentions, so they can state they have cared for a trans pregnant couple. When actually they are getting involved and getting this wrong. We talked about how we are the first trans couple come through maternity in this hospital However we certainly will not be the last. Therefore by having open discussions and us educating staff in order to learn and change the way they care for patient. To be more inclusive to gender identity whether it is a gay, lesbian, trans or non binary person who is pregnant. That their needed be more awareness and education to ensure things change, but also certain understand from our side that we are to expect some people to be less accommodating or accepting.  All we want is to be respected as both dads, male and for them to accommodate us even is personally they do get understand or accept our situation. Despite their own views they need to be professional and give us the care we require. This is a nice quote I heard that sums this up perfectly.                  

    'Be prepared as we are entering a system that does not expect us to exist'.

She said that an email was going round about changing the wording on maternity books which is a great discussion happening in this medical field. However many midwives or managers who have not met or cared for a transgender couple in maternity state that it should not be changed. some being very rude that anyone carrying a baby is female. But these are the discussion that need to happen to then channelling peoples presumptions and to then make the necessary changes. She spoke to us about our ideas and options on this because we are the ones it is affecting rather then admins or higher up management. That us trans pregnant couples or the general public who it affects should have the say. She then wrote a email regarding us as the hospitals first trans couple to put forward our preservative. The idea is to chance the wording in maternity note from pregnant women, to pregnant person/ people, as well as leaving space for the person themselves to write their our identity, mother, father or parent as well as own pronounces or title like Miss, Mrs, Mr... This is all very exciting and amazing that having more awareness that trans men do get pregnancy has lead to possible medical documents being amended. So hopefully by the time I try for our third baby, (In a few years) we will get to see and have an input in the remodelling of such a gender system.

(Written at 31 weeks)