After every strom, comes a rainbow.

 After every storm, comes a rainbow.

 We are excepting again!!!

So we are super exciting that we have another chance at being parents, but of course we are very anxious and worried because we lost Nico only 7 months ago.  We know this baby was especially sent from our angel boy, their brother in heaven. 

Me and Ben decided that we wanted to try for another baby after the new year. Although it had only been 4 months since we lost our son, we knew that we did not want to leave it so long before trying again. As we knew that it could take longer to conceive this time. Nico would always be our first baby, our boy and could never be replaced because that is not what would happen.  We wanted to keep trying to have our family. Which Nico would always be apart of. We would be giving him a sibling and he would be watching over us.

So after discussion with our donor, he agreed to continue helping us, which is what we were so pleased about because then Nico had the same donor. So we started tracking Ben's ovulation again and choose a date to try.  Unfortunately the week he was ovulating we were on holiday.  However we did have one donation before we went just to give it a shot. But knew that it was a bit early and our chances were low, which is no surprise it did not take.  We tried again in February, this time we had more donations at the right time and just hoped for the best. The two weeks waiting was hard as it was Nico's due date around the time we be able to take a test.  Again it did not take and it was hard on us.  We knew it would take a while however nothing prepares you when you want and try for a baby and it just doesn't happen.  It never gets easier.  

So we planned to try again in March but did not really except much because again it was bit early as our donor was going away for 2 months to work in Spain. Ben had no symptoms like the months before so we just assumed it did not take, this meant we were not be expecting to conceive until after May now.  Which would be hard because it would be around the time we convinced with Nico and be due around the same time. Now we had to wait til May/June, for our donor to come back and we were worried that Ben would not be able to carry again. We started to look into adoption instead. Therefore we would defiantly have a living child become apart of our family, we would be giving a child a loving home who had a rough start to life. Also give Ben a rest to look after himself, his health and mental health. Maybe go back on hormones and try again for a baby in a few years.  

We had phone calls with an adoption agency to look at taking on a child with special needs,  however we knew the fact we had lost our son 7 months ago and that had effected Ben's mental health would probably be a barrier. But we were honest with them and just hoped they would assess us and see the bigger picture that he was stable as much as you can because grieving for a baby is not something you just get over, it a life long journey of love, grief and loss. Despite this we had a lot of love and experience to give.  

We did not think that the donation had taken, so decided to not take a test and just wait as Ben was due his shark week (aka: Trans saying for menstruation) in 3 days. He was not getting any pregnancy symptoms, so we concentrated on the adoption process. We had a Skype interview with the social worker on Wednesday 13th March at 4 pm. The day before Ben was feeling unwell I came home from work on Tuesday to him asleep by 5:30, which was not like him at all. He said he felt sick and tired. At first I thought nothing of it, however all through the night he was getting up to wee so much. The cats were all laying by his belly, especially Oakley that never comes up to cuddle Ben. I laid there thinking well maybe he is,  but then went to sleep and did not say anything to Ben I just left him to sleep and went to work. About half 8 I am at work, on the computer getting resource ready for lessons and setting the class room up, when Ben phones.  He then told me he was pregnant, I was not excepting it and was speechless

  

It made my day.  He was so excited and shocked too, as he said he just woke up and had this feeling so had to take a test. He was going to wait until I got home to surprise me but could not wait or keep it to himself all day. Also we had the Skype call that evening, so had to now decide what to tell the social worker.  

Although that morning not long after Ben told me we were expecting, the social worker emailed cancelling the Skype call, going on to explain that due to the loss of our son being less then a year and Ben's recent mental health and how that grief will affect us and the child we would adopt, that they feel now is not the right time. Nonetheless to get in touch in a few years because we had so much experience and a lot to offer to become amazing adoptive parents but for now they feel that the time is not right. Which was sad and unfortunate but now with Ben being pregnant it is true we could not have carried on the process while being pregnant anyways. So it just goes to show that things happen when they are meant to. That this was our time once more and we were ready to be parents again. That we will always love and have Nico in our hearts, but finally we have hope and a future to plan for.  

I am so scared and worried, like what if it was to happen again. What if we loss another baby we would not be able to handle that, but I am hopeful and staying positive, we will have more support from the hospital, Ben will have more checks and be seen regularly. I know it will be an anxious journey but I know together we are strong and Nico will be watching over us and be an amazing big brother by looking after rainbow.

(This will be posted when we are 24 weeks 
but it was written at 4 weeks
16/03/2019)