Sex vs gender

 

What's the babies sex? The difference between sex and gender 

In most pregnancy one of the first questions is always 'what is the baby's gender?' or 'Are you going to find out?' Firstly why do people not ask 'is the baby healthy and are you okay?' as that should be a better first question. Besides the term what is their gender, is wrong. If you are going to ask this question it should be 'what is their sex or assigned sex?' Because there is a huge difference between sex and gender which if everyone was to realise the difference then social constructs and stereotyping people based on the biological chromosomes and anatomy would change.

The difference between sex and gender in definitions terms are:

Sex- Is distinguished at birth, either as female or male which are the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are basis of their reproductive organs, chromosomes and biological genetic structures.

Gender- Refer to the socially constructed characteristics of women and men, such as norms, roles, and relationships that differ depending on whether someone is a women or man. It varies in different, countries, cultures, religion and social groups in society. Gender identity therefore is one's personal sense of their own gender, it can align with the assigned sex or people can identify outside of binary sex of male and female. 

Intersex- Is a medical condition in which an individual has reproductive organs or external sexual characteristics of both male and female. 

So ones gender is how they feel inside and is generally a social construct. Which people judge others, it is used to determined how someone should behaviour, what they should do or how they should dress to fit in which is all ridiculous really. Gender should be about how someone truly feels within themselves and is determined only by that person themselves. There is more then just male and female, as gender is on a scale, which is fluid and can change. It should only be based on an individuals expression determined by how they see themselves in the world, not how others judge them. 

Therefore asking a parent what is their unborn child's gender, is incorrect because that child is not yet able to express themselves or tell the world who they are yet. Where as sex is biological, it is based on science and while someone sex sometimes is not aligned with their gender and although someone can later medically change their anatomy to aligned their gender with biological sex. A better question to ask is: 'what is the babies sex?' because at this stage it is one or the other unless they are intersex which is medical. 

We decided before we conceived that we did not want to find out the babies sex, mainly because of others then forcing expectations onto our unborn child when they were unable to express how they identified themselves. Although we are going to use the babies assigned sex until they can express their own gender identity and choice for themselves what they want to do about their body. We are going to make sure the child understands the difference between assigned sex and their own gender also that their sex or gender does not define who they are, how they dress, what they play with or what to do. That no matter who they are the important thing is they stay true to themselves and do not let others dictate their life or force them to fit in. What better way to understand that with two very open and honest trans gay dads.

So we did not want to know because if it came back a girl people would buy us pink, fluffy and flowery things, dresses and stereotypical girls toy, then the opposite for the boy like cars and trucks all things blue and stereotypical boys things. This would then undermine how we felt as parents. 

No matter what the child's sex is we want to make sure that the child has different colour's and toys with many different people to look up to. A home where they can be supported to explore as just a child, they can play with dolls, cars, be creative love sports or art, anything they want despite their signed sex. Because this makes a well rounded, creative and open minded confident person who can know what they like and dislike or how they fit in this crazy binary world.

However neutral we want our child's upbringing is we still want to be aware of their assigned sex because I feel this is better for the child to have a base to understand the difference between sex and gender, in order to be able to figure themselves out. We feel this is right for our family Mainly with our own experiences growing up. 

Ben was forced to be a typical girl, wear dresses and pink. He was made to feel different when he did not conform however it meant he was able to realise from a young age that he did not identify as female, if he had his families support and a open minded family set up he would have be able to transition earlier. However he still was able to social transition outside of his family from as young as 13. Then at 18 he medically started his transition to male. Which meant knowing his assigned sex and how he felt different made him make those connections and transition earlier in life. However I was very different. I was not forced to be a girl, I was able to play and dress to a degree in what I wanted. I was treated no different to my brother. Which was amazing as a child but I felt different and did not know why. It was not until I was older moved away and started really dancing I saw the true binary world and how I was not apart of that. This caused more confusion and difficulty as I was an adult. I therefore realised and transition a lot later.

So with all this and our own experiences we want to ensure our child knows their sex and knows that this does not determine their gender. We want them to feel supported to figure themselves out in a healthy and happy way. To know that if their sex and gender does or does not align, it still does not mean they have to act or present in a certain way. They do not need to conform to gender stereotypes or others expectations. If they identity as female but want to dress more masculine or do sports and like more typical boy things then that's okay, or if they are male but want to wear dresses and make up or play with dolls and still identify as a man that is perfectly fine to. And if they sex and gender expression aligns and they do like the stereotypical things and do conform to the norm that it is perfectly fine as well. 

While I understand non binary and gender neutral parenting and support people's choices of raising their own children. As there is no right or wrong way of bringing a child into the world. However, considering of our own upbringing and my delay in finding myself, which I would not entirely change or is no one's fault because it made me who I am today. This has influenced how we both feel, that as a basis it is important to understand one's sex to understand how this world is unfortunately seen by many and how they identify into their own roles in their life. It is their choice and no matter what we will be there for them every step and where ever life takes our child.

After losing Nico and this now being our second child, we are re-thinking about finding out the babies sex. Mainly because it is an extra scan to have to reassure us. We found out Nico was going to be a boy when he was born at 16 weeks. We will never get to know how he identities or his gender so his biological sex is the only thing we have to hold on and cherish his memory. To know he will be a big brother and our first born. Therefore we cherish that he is our son. 

We also realised that we was only not finding out the child's sex because of how others would then treat our child rather then what that meant for us. This is a silly reason not to know something because of how others will respond to this. Instead we should be educating those around us on the difference and how we were planning on parenting. Since we had chosen a neutral theme and colour's for the nursery it meant that we could inform other what to buy and what not to or how to treat our child early on rather then wait until they are born. We had lots of clothes mainly sleepsuits, neutral things or clothes labels as boys because no matter these items are easier to dress a baby in. We did not want jeans as we wanted to dress our baby in comfortable clothes that are age appropriate. Therefore we have already told no one to buy clothes, as we had lots of stuff already for the baby thanks to friends and family having young children, also due to planning for Nico. This eliminated what we were first worried about people buying stereotypical items. 

Seeing as we had a list together, we could tell family want we liked and needed, which meant we could control and ensure we got things we saw fit for our child. We have chosen a jungle, rain forest animal theme the first time around with Nico and therefore keeping this theme. We chose this because it was colourfully, neutral and educational for the baby. Monkeys are Ben's favourite animal and sloth are mine so we could include these in stuff for the baby. So they had bits from us both and that connection with Nico too. Along with green, yellow, orange, grey and brown colours instead of typical blue or pink. Which is a better atmosphere for creativity and exploration. Along with obviously having stars, clouds and rainbows to fit the theme of rain forest/jungle as the weather. But also linked to Nico their brother in heaven, that he is in the stars and moon watching down and guiding them. Then the rainbow for the hope and happiness of what follows a storm of hard times and the fact they are our angel and rainbow babies. (A baby is known as a rainbow after a loss of a baby, which is then referred to as an angel baby.)

Also with my OCD and need to plan it started getting to me by not knowing, not because it mattered but more to know that small thing about the baby as a way to connect with them. As Ben was the one carrying he felt the day to day experiences of bringing a human into the world where as I did not have this. I wanted to connect and bond with our baby, so by knowing the assigned sex we could decide on names, and start to educate as well as get people used to not stereotyping our baby. 

Additionally we thought that because their sex did not matter or make a difference in how we would raise them why was we making a big deal in waiting and making it a surprise. So with a long conversation and many back and forth we decided we wanted to have the sex scan, to chose a name as well as be able to just plan on how we would parent them. Meanwhile thinking about how others would treat them, to be prepared to change their views and respect our way of parenting. It gives us a peace of mind to because of losing Nico, we found out at 16 weeks that he was male. More so this pregnancy has already been different, more sickness, more emotional, craving that it could mean a different sex. We feel that having this scan could give us peace of mind, to plan, in case it is another boy we will probably be more protective. We will be anyways after losing Nico, more so if this baby is a boy where as if they are female it might help ease the worry and focus on her. Then again knowing if they are male it will be harder, so giving us that extra time to prepare and know it is still different and they will never replace Nico. Overall it will help prepare us, to have an extra scan and have that connection. 

Many people disagree with us but it is our choice so we decided to find out for us, only letting certain people know, although some people guessed by the scan. we wanted to wait until most stuff was brought so we got themed, neutral items that fit to our style and choices. Also why we have agreed to put a baby in neutral or their assigned sex clothes until they chose otherwise, me and Ben do not like overly pink, fluffy girly things or blue masculine things with trucks or cars on either, so we just would not dress them like this unless they then chose to themselves. 

Their assigned sex will be known by others when they are born. We will be happy whoever and how ever our child grows up to be or do in life, as long as they are happy, healthy, and true to themselves we have succeeded as parents. 

references: Some more information on the definitions of sex and gender. 

• https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sex
• https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/232363.php
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity
• https://www.dictionary.com/browse/intersex

(Written before we lost Nico then edited when we fell with Rainbow)