Update on parenting.

 

preparing for an early baby.

As you know that our daughter was born 5 weeks early, we were excepting her on the 13th of November at 39 week via a planned c section however our baby came 4 weeks before that at 35 weeks. Therefore we were not quiet as prepared as we would have liked. Meanwhile we did have everything we needed and were very fortunate that my OCD meant we were ready even for the early arrival.

I had everything planned and prepared for the baby for weeks because of my OCD, but still had a few things to do as well as blog posts planned which i will do a brief combination on this one in terms of what I still wanted to talk about, this includes packing a hospital bag, how we were treated as a trans couple in the world of maternity. along with talking about our future plans, surgery and ben's c section recovery.

Hospital bag.

There are many items that are essential in a hospital bag, which can be found online with suggestion lists and baby apps which advice people hat to take however many of these list apply to mothers, not fathers giving birth so our bag diffed, not a lot but there are some items we did not need and other things we did. Along with knowing that we were having a c section meaning we had to stay in hospital for a few days. Many lists found online are general one day stay for low risk, full term labour. this was not the case therefore i needed to plan ahead. Due to having the stitch placed we knew that there was a possibility that our rainbow would arrive early thus me starting to plan and pack our bags early. Many professionals, books, apps suggest having everything ready and packed by 36 weeks however i had our packed fully by 28 however started at 24 weeks. 

There is certain items as a trans pregnant couple we did not need, these were things like breast pads or a breast pump, or make up and feeding bras like most lists will suggest. Obviously some pregnant males may need some of these things if they had not had chest surgery beforehand and wanted to chest feed. As well as some women who are pregnant may not need these things if  they could not breast feed because of medical reasons or personally did not want to breastfeed. Then being male some other things we needed like boxers to go other the disposable knickers to make it easier that Ben had to wear knickers to hold in pads. This is because boxers do not hold pads in well but mentally having boxers over the top helped the discomfort for that area. 

Things we packed:

babies bag- 

• Preemie sleep suit 
• preemie vest 
• 2 preemie nappies. 
• Two newborn short sleeve vest and a sleep suit
• Long sleeve vest 0-3 
• 2 short sleeve vest 0-3 
• 3-4 sleepsuits 0-3 
• pack of nappies newborn size 1 
• pack of baby wipes
• 5 muslin
• 3 dribble bibs
• newborn socks
• 2 mitten's
• 2 hats
• going home outfit- personalised vest from Nico, with rainbow leggings. 
• rainbow bib, matching rainbow mittens and hat 
• pre made SMA formula bottles, with teats. 2 boxes of 6.
• car seat
• 2 blankets.
• dummy, teddy and snuggler.  

for us. 

• 4 boxes and sock each
• pj bottoms for Ben
• shorts and jogging bottoms for us both
• pj bottoms and top for myself.
• the 4 tops each. 
• wash bag: with flannel, body wash, body spray, tooth brush and tooth paste and a brush.
• chargers, and battery power bars
• note book and pen.
• slippers
• pads for Ben and disposable pants.

Originally I had only packed one day emergency stuff for us in the suitcase, so one top and joggers with PJ and underwear for us. however when Ben started having contractions on the Sunday night and we got submitted, I went home on the Monday do finish off any last bits of cleaning, setting up and packed the rest of our stuff. Ben's aunt then picked me up to take all our stuff to the hospital while she keep some baby bits and the car seat with her. Luckily I did have most of it packed, I just grabbed it and left. I also made sure cat litter was clean, emptied the bins, and had a quick clean of the house. I sorted out the Moses basket with a sheet in our room and put a sheet on the cot.

We were very fortunate that we dd have a lot of stuff already packed and the nursery was all set up. The Saturday before having her was the baby shower, which meant I had deep cleaned the house house before the party and then cleaned up on Saturday night. me and Ben were so excited that we put away all the stuff we were given from the baby shower, sorted her last bits out and washed all the new stuff we had been given. Despite how planned we were it still was a last minute rush to come home, clean, grab extra things and make sure everything was ready. There were still things that needed to be done once we were home. 

More so no matter how physically prepared we were that is not enough to mentally be prepared. We had a few more week until we were expecting her therefore was surprise and taken back by her early arrival. In which it still seems surreal that we here when she is not meant to be for another 3 weeks. But I would not change anything at all, her early arrival was a great surprise and changed our lives for good. 

Although I did pack early and had everything however because Ariyah-Mai was born weighing only 5 lb 2 oz, was just tiny and too small for most of the clothes I had packed for her. Tina and my mum brought us preemie tiny baby clothes so she has things that fit better, thus keeping her warm and not being hug. Tiny bag clothes were still a bit big at first but fit perfectly now. 

How we were treated:

When planning to get pregnant as a trans couple we had to be very aware that it was not the norm and many people both in the public and professionally had never come across our situation before, therefore we were ready to be questioned, miss gender and just generally having to always explain ourselves. Overall we were very surprised at how we were treated though out both pregnancy. We ere treated as male, and both as dads majority of the time. There was a few time we did have to explain however most of them times were out of curiosity and actually by professional who wanted to know in order to help or treat us right. This was nice to be able to openly have these discussions in a positive educational way, which is what we wanted. Both myself and Ben are open about our transition, we rather people ask questions so they can learn as long as they are respectfully and are genuine rather then being judgemental. of course there were a few occasions that Ben got mis-gendered however most on the time it was either corrected and they apologised because it is inherently a women world. or it was on passing by cooks, cleaners or a nurse assistant who did not know us or has access to our notes. 

We are so thankful to everyone who cared for us through these difficulty pregnancy, to our specialist who did everything they could to ensure our rainbow was safe. to make sure Ben was supported, reassurance and completely treated with respect being a pregnant man. Our specialist and midwives stood up for us and fought our care the whole time. getting us extra scans, changing notes to say he or father instead of mother. This really made a huge impact to us. as well as spreading awareness of trans pregnancy to other staff members. How we were high risk with a loss previously then such a complicated pregnancy following Nico to then ensure we were supported and that our rainbow Ariyah was safely delivered into this world. It really meant so much to us and we could not have asked for better support and treatment that we received. We formed bonds with many staff members and everyone in the hospital was cheering us on and became apart of our unique journey. 

I hope that this paves the way for many other trans men that follow, so that they receive as much love and acceptance as we did. That with our journey so many staff were asking questions to learn for themselves and in the professional work to ensure they could treat others with the right care they deserve. We will continue to educate people as Ariyah grows up with her two trans daddies, I am sure they will be many other professions and general public that will be intrigued to learn about our family. Though this blog, our social media and you tube channels we will educate and promote trans men birthing and bring up their own children. to show younger transgender people that they can go on to have the family they dreamed off, that hormones and surgery does not stop them carrying their our biological children nor does it mean they can have a family and life they want. 

We will also teach our daughter to be open minded and accepting of difference, to just spread love and care to the world. that as long as she is happy, true to herself she can be or achieve anything she wants to. whilst respecting others peoples opinions and also channelling their views. to educate and spread awareness. we hope she is proud of us and carrying on in our footsteps to be accepting, open minded and willing to push the social boundaries in this world. 

Future plans and update. 

We now have our beautiful girl to concentrate on and care for, it starting to settling in now that she is actually here, especially as it draws near to the time when we were actually excepting her. All the first week busyness has calmed down so we can just spend time as a family to enjoy all these precious moments as they do last long, she is already growing to fast. Ariyah Jaundice has settled and we have all got into a routine. She is very awake and alert more now especially at night. Where me and Ben take turns to feed her. Ben will slept after dinner til midnight while i feed and watch her then Ben will take over while is sleep til are 6 am. Then during the day we take turns napping when she naps as well as doing the housework.

Ben and I have defiantly settled ourselves more even though we will forever be worried and on edge with her mainly because of losing Nico and fighting so hard to have Ariyah. However we have started to relax, At first we could not sleep well one of us had to be awake to watch her. at night when we put her down in the Moses basket to sleep we were constantly worried About her in term of (SID) Sudden infant death. despite knowing about safe sleep we still worried. Now we are a bit more relaxed that we can bot gets some rest when she is sleeping. She is such a quiet sleeper to so we found we were constantly watching her and checking she was breathing, every slight noise woke us both to ensure she was fine. I believe this will never completely go away because after losing a child that leaves this fear within you. Thus making us worry about Ariyah, fearful to losing another. Whilst we know she is safe it still hard. but as time goes on and she gets older I know we will learn to relax and not worry so much. 

We are still trying to sort out our finance because that is another thing effected when having an early baby. As maternity allowance is yet to start, even though we put the application in weeks ago because it can take up to 14 weeks despite her being born early it means we will not get any maternity money for a while, child benefits also take a few weeks to be sorted meaning that even though we will get it all back dated to the day she was born we are still out of pocket for now. This is due to Ben being signed off on bed rest during the pregnancy which lead to having to get universal credit to keep us a float. then it meant he was not entitled to maternity pay from his employer because of being of sick, he was not told this til last minute and he work have not been the best support during the pregnancy, they tried to put Ben on disciplinary due to being off when his was discrimination and illegal, once they saw we knew this was against his rights and that they could not do anything they just made it difficult for Ben. Now we are in limbo waiting to maternity allowance and benefit to set in whilst relying on my wages. Despite this we had money aside and have had some amazing friends and family who have helped us out. 

We now have A lot look forward to and plan. Everyone wants to come visit and see her which is lovely but also making sure we have time to ourselves while I am still of work. I Am lucky that it has been half term meaning I got 4 whole weeks off instead of 2. It will be hard to go back to work and leave Ben at home with Ariyah, but I have to. It will only be for 5 weeks because it is then Christmas. I am then going to be off work for a while as I actually Have my date for my chest Reconstruction surgery. Which is the 18th of December, it is in hull o there is lots to plan for in terms of a place to stay up there for us all and friends coming with us to to help Ben with Ariyah. She will only be 8 weeks old and i will not be able to do anything for the first week or so then i still have to be careful for several weeks after. This means Ben will have to do a lot of the housework, cooking and caring for both me and the Baby. Pay back for the months I looked after them during the pregnancy (joking). it will be difficult but me and Ben can get through anything together. I will update n the blog when i have surgery and how it went. 

Other medical things we are looking forward to is hopefully Ben going back on testosterone after his 6 week post birth check up. The doctor said he has to wait at least until then to allow healing after a C Section and for pregnancy hormones settle before then going back on testosterone and having more hormonal changes happen. He came off testosterone when we were planning for Nico in august 2017 so 2 years ago, so he can not wait to go back on, although there was not really any physical changes coming off hormones other the cycles returning and ovulating in order to conceive it is more the mental side of restarting testosterone and continuing his journey in transitioning with hope of lower genital surgery next year. 

For now we are just enjoying our Rainbow miracle and planning as a family. we will continue updating on how Ariyah is doing as well as our transitions and life as trans dads. so keep updated. 

(Written 1 week 4 days, old October 2019)