How we want to Raise our Rainbow.
When people get pregnant many of them have plans on how they want to parent either from experience of having children already, experience though work, family or friends having children. or for first time parents from other peoples advice, books, films. What I am trying to say is that no matter the case everyone has their own views of how they will bring up their children. That no one way is the right way because everyone is different, we all have different experience and hope that is what makes this world wonderful. That we are all different and can learn off one an enough. they may be some no so nice people or things that happen which can be well shit. However we learn from things we go though, from our own parents and up bring, which we then discover our own way though some of the more channelling parts of life. Everyone has aspiration for their own children to not go though the bad experience we ourselves have but sometime that can not be avoided. These things make a person who they are. All we truly wish for as parents is our children are happy, safe and be themselves.
Ben and myself have got ideas and views on who we will be as parents, how we want to bring up rainbow in a caring, trusting, honest and open family. We what to be open with our baby, by letting rainbow be a child and not have to worry about the adult stresses of the world, like money or bills but we also want rainbow to be inquisitive and understand the world they are growing up in. Like the struggles we have had to face as gay trans men. The challenges we have over come to become daddies.
Our baby will probably come across discrimination due to having two dads and both trans. Unfortunately we can do our best to protect them from the world but we can not fully prevent this, so instead will teach them how to deal with what will come there way. to be strong enough to be the bigger person, to educate people as well as know when it is not worth it and to walk away. That there are some people in this world that can be hateful towards other but we want to teach our child that despite this it is important to rise above it and not matter what to be true to oneself. That these people have they own reasons, behind it their is insecurities and hurt so we must educate and support people because you do not know what they are going through. We teach rainbow to be kind and compassionate as well as strong and determined. To be able to face the tough parts of life, the hate from other but understand why these things happens and to learn from it.
That is why we are going to be open about having to use a sperm donor, about losing their big brother and then having them. However as I explained in my previous post we will explain in an age appropriate way adding in more information when they ask and as they get older. We truly believe that when children ask questions they are ready to know the answers, they are trying to make sense of this world and we are there to teach and guild them. Many people may disagree that some there are thing children are not meant to know but by not answering them or dismissing their questions this creates confusion. Even more taking away their willingness to learn, their confidence and trust in you. So we will answer and explain what is necessary to our rainbow or future children because it is important to be honest and open. If they ask something that is inappropriate or that they should not know then we will explain this to them that it is difficult to answer them and that we will get back to them when we have the best way to explain that to them. This means you have time to think instead of answering on the spot when things could be emotional, stressful or not the right time. While you are not just ignoring them or dismissing them.
Me and Ben want to also use positive parenting technique which you can read more about in the references. This is a way to use technique that encourage good behaviour and praise as well as setting clear boundaries and rules instead of just telling them off. That children misbehaviour not to be naughty or on purpose but in response to what is happening around them. By setting clear rules and boundaries this teaches children what is expected of them, it gives them routine and goals to strive towards. For them to take ownership of their own behaviour by using rewards and praise for doing well, listening and following the rules whist still use appropriate discipline where needed. By informing them about the consequence of breaking rules, so they understand why they are being told off. This helps children have a better positive relationship, along with respect for their parents or general people in their life. That we are doing these things to keep them safe not to be in charge.
Positive parent tips:
On a whole it is about communication and language, just by changing the way you give instructions to children and phasing what you are telling them. Be clear and direct, telling them what you want them to do rather then not to do. For example 'leave that alone please' rather then 'don't touch that.' or food stay on your plate, instead of do not throw food on the floor. This is beacsue of the way the human brain processes information. We automatically hear or see the action before the 'don't' that is why the classic 'do not push this red button' makes people actually wanting to push it. That is because your brain see push it first and prepares your body to do that action then it process the don't and is in conflict with itself. That is why it is important to rephrase thing while Chilren are still developing reasoning and conquences.
On top of this as the child gets over 2-3 they begin to develop more reasoning skills. We can extend this by adding on why you are asking a children to do something. Which help them understand that your instructions have purpose. As an adult we know ourselves that we want to know why something is being asked of us so we can process and respond reasonably. It is the same for children. So by saying ' leave that alone because it will get broken and that will make me sad.' helps their brain development to know that there is a conquences to their actions. That you are not just stating your in charge using term like 'because I say so' or 'I'm the adult you must listen to me' . Is what alot of parents would say. That child then does not create a trusting relationship that is built on mutual respect. They will not learn that their actions have effect on others around them. This phasing technique help them emphasise and reason to then problem solve independently as they grow.
Another good example of all these techniques is 'we need to be gentle with our friends, hitting hurts and they will no longer want to play with you.' It give clear instructions of what is expect as well as why and then what will happen if they continue to hit. It works well as children get older and if you have more then one. By getting sibling to understand each other not just listen to you as the adult. 'your brother told you to stop, you are upsetting him and we need to respect each others feeling'. Just by rephrasing how we explain and teach our children can make a huge Impact on their understanding of the world and their behaviour. By vailding their feeling as well, as getting them to understand others.
Vailding them is another important technique in positive parenting. This makes the child feel heard and important. That they are equal and that it is okay to have feelings. We all get upset and stressed sometimes and it is all about learning to self regulate those emotions. Learning how to act upon them. Therefore it is important to let children cry and scream when appropriate but again teach them the conquences and reasoning behind it. So if they are having a tantrum because they want sweets before dinner explain. 'I understand you are upset and want sweets, as soon as you have dinner you can have them' or if someone has upset them because they are playing with something they want. 'I know you are upset but we have to share with other and it will be your turn next' this is vailding the child letting them know you have heard them,. That it is okay to feel these emotions but then gives them reasoning to help regulate themselves.
Other ways would be that also to lead by example, as parenting is stressful, bills work and many other things can get on top of us as adults but keeping calm is important. If you feel over work make sure you take a minute to yourself, whilst explain this to your children. 'Daddy is feeling alittle overwhelmed right now so I need to have a minute to calm myself down, then I will come play with you.' this models to your child that it is okay to take some time out when needed and that everyone feels this way sometimed That it is acceptable to feel stress but to not take that out on other people. That they are important to you and that you will play with them when your calm. It goes both ways too, so when a children is having a tantrum or upset explain it to them. 'I can see your overwhelmed right now and that is okay, but you take time to calm down then we can talk. ' this give the focus to calm down but also know that it is okay to feel the way they do. Make sure you then follow on from this. 'We'll done you are calm now explain what is wrong, or now we can go and play together'. Other ways would be to get them to understand when it is appropriate. For example when you are out on a busy bus or in a shop. This is where distraction works for young children like, wow look at this or what can you see out the window. But for older children try more explanation. I understand you are upset but you are hurting everyone's ears so you need to calm down please. This is still vailding their feeling but getting them to understand that there are other people around them and to respect their feelings too.
Positive parent tips:
On a whole it is about communication and language, just by changing the way you give instructions to children and phasing what you are telling them. Be clear and direct, telling them what you want them to do rather then not to do. For example 'leave that alone please' rather then 'don't touch that.' or food stay on your plate, instead of do not throw food on the floor. This is beacsue of the way the human brain processes information. We automatically hear or see the action before the 'don't' that is why the classic 'do not push this red button' makes people actually wanting to push it. That is because your brain see push it first and prepares your body to do that action then it process the don't and is in conflict with itself. That is why it is important to rephrase thing while Chilren are still developing reasoning and conquences.
On top of this as the child gets over 2-3 they begin to develop more reasoning skills. We can extend this by adding on why you are asking a children to do something. Which help them understand that your instructions have purpose. As an adult we know ourselves that we want to know why something is being asked of us so we can process and respond reasonably. It is the same for children. So by saying ' leave that alone because it will get broken and that will make me sad.' helps their brain development to know that there is a conquences to their actions. That you are not just stating your in charge using term like 'because I say so' or 'I'm the adult you must listen to me' . Is what alot of parents would say. That child then does not create a trusting relationship that is built on mutual respect. They will not learn that their actions have effect on others around them. This phasing technique help them emphasise and reason to then problem solve independently as they grow.
Another good example of all these techniques is 'we need to be gentle with our friends, hitting hurts and they will no longer want to play with you.' It give clear instructions of what is expect as well as why and then what will happen if they continue to hit. It works well as children get older and if you have more then one. By getting sibling to understand each other not just listen to you as the adult. 'your brother told you to stop, you are upsetting him and we need to respect each others feeling'. Just by rephrasing how we explain and teach our children can make a huge Impact on their understanding of the world and their behaviour. By vailding their feeling as well, as getting them to understand others.
Vailding them is another important technique in positive parenting. This makes the child feel heard and important. That they are equal and that it is okay to have feelings. We all get upset and stressed sometimes and it is all about learning to self regulate those emotions. Learning how to act upon them. Therefore it is important to let children cry and scream when appropriate but again teach them the conquences and reasoning behind it. So if they are having a tantrum because they want sweets before dinner explain. 'I understand you are upset and want sweets, as soon as you have dinner you can have them' or if someone has upset them because they are playing with something they want. 'I know you are upset but we have to share with other and it will be your turn next' this is vailding the child letting them know you have heard them,. That it is okay to feel these emotions but then gives them reasoning to help regulate themselves.
Other ways would be that also to lead by example, as parenting is stressful, bills work and many other things can get on top of us as adults but keeping calm is important. If you feel over work make sure you take a minute to yourself, whilst explain this to your children. 'Daddy is feeling alittle overwhelmed right now so I need to have a minute to calm myself down, then I will come play with you.' this models to your child that it is okay to take some time out when needed and that everyone feels this way sometimed That it is acceptable to feel stress but to not take that out on other people. That they are important to you and that you will play with them when your calm. It goes both ways too, so when a children is having a tantrum or upset explain it to them. 'I can see your overwhelmed right now and that is okay, but you take time to calm down then we can talk. ' this give the focus to calm down but also know that it is okay to feel the way they do. Make sure you then follow on from this. 'We'll done you are calm now explain what is wrong, or now we can go and play together'. Other ways would be to get them to understand when it is appropriate. For example when you are out on a busy bus or in a shop. This is where distraction works for young children like, wow look at this or what can you see out the window. But for older children try more explanation. I understand you are upset but you are hurting everyone's ears so you need to calm down please. This is still vailding their feeling but getting them to understand that there are other people around them and to respect their feelings too.
This is something I feel very passionate about myself, with working in a school I have used these techniques especially when working with in Special education because many of the children I have work with have challenging behaviours, or need clear instructions with additional explanation to understand. Children present many behaviours for many reason and they need help to feel safe, heard and comfortable. This is no different for all children and ensure we as adults adapt how we explain and give them the skills to be about to reason and explore the world around them. Therefore I want to use praise, motivation, encouragement, distraction and reward instead of jumping straight to discipline. It is normal for children to test the boundaries, break rules and have tantrums. it is all part of growing up, figuring out themselves and how they fit into society. Therefore teaching them consequences of breaking these rules and why they are there is much better then just shouting at a child. This in turn creates a stressful environment for everyone, where the child does not understand why they are being told off, shouted at or even what they have done is wrong. In result will not learn from it and carry on misbehaving. If a child does not get good, positive attention, praise or encouragement they may begin to feel unwanted, unloved and unheard by those that are meant to care for them. They will then try to get any attention, even if it is negative because to a child there is no bad attention. They just want to be heard and feel that they matter, but negative attention impacts their own self worth, confidence and view on others. It does not give them healthy, happy relationship for them to build upon. Thus going on to have unhealthy relationship in the future and not having any love or appreciation for themselves. To learn and strive in a supportive environment is the fundamentals for a well rounded person with a content life.
We will do this by using simple strategies when they are young, for example reward charts, so they are praised on the every achievement from reaching for a toy, trying hard and doing something like getting dressed by themselves or picking up there toys. just for good listening and being safe. These are the key words we use. We will be telling them we are proud of them, that we love them no matter what. or as they get older by giving them a treat at the weekends for being good all week, not just on one occasion. In turn letting them go out for longer, or have a friend over. The older they get we will adapt the reward. Additionally spending time as a family, going on walks and having one on one time with the child as well as each other as parents. Not just being in each other presents but actually paying full attention to your child, listening to them, read together, playing and always have dinner as a family. Real quality time means more to a child then money, toys or any reward. Actually being in the moment and messing around together is important for bonding and the child's well being.
Then by being encouraging, enthusiastic and positive. Making sure we praise our child and do not dwell on failure, to teach them to keeping trying and they can achieve anything they want. that by working hard and never giving up they will strive. That as long as they do their best that is all that matters, because some people are good or better then others. Not everyone can be good at everything therefore we should share our strengths with other to learn from each other, instead of trying to be better then someone, or jealous if other are better at something. The most important of all is that to be themselves, to be true and not worry what others think of them. That they are loved by many and that they have purpose and matter.
Then by being encouraging, enthusiastic and positive. Making sure we praise our child and do not dwell on failure, to teach them to keeping trying and they can achieve anything they want. that by working hard and never giving up they will strive. That as long as they do their best that is all that matters, because some people are good or better then others. Not everyone can be good at everything therefore we should share our strengths with other to learn from each other, instead of trying to be better then someone, or jealous if other are better at something. The most important of all is that to be themselves, to be true and not worry what others think of them. That they are loved by many and that they have purpose and matter.
Then in terms of Gender or other peoples expectations in society, we want our children to know how the world is because as much as we hope one day there is no sexism, racism war or discrimination in this world. That gender expectations are erased and everyone if free to be and love who they want without any hate this is not realistic and does actually happen so we will prepare them for this. Yet teaching them to stand up for love and what is right. To educate others and rise above the hate this world is full of. To not dwell on the war and terror but to just be aware of it. That everyone has a right to there opinion as long as they are respectful and let people live their best lives. That Rainbow is free to be themselves. We will ensure this by exposing them to many colours, toys and actives from birth. then allowing them to have freedom to develop their own identity. giving them the creative, expressive opportunities to dress how they want, choice what they play with, what clubs they join and encouraging them to try new things. This opens up many opportunities and room to for them to grow into their own self without influences from other, or fear of being judged. we will care and love unconditionally.
In my mind as long as Rainbow, is truly content in life, that they are kind and understanding to others. that they are living how they what, dressing how they want, doing the dream job or whatever they want to do as long as they are themselves, happy and healthy and respectful then Me and Ben have done our jobs as parents.
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