Parenting is hard: Everyone struggles! It's ok.
We have now reach a huge milestone that our baby is 1 years old. This last year has brought so much joy, memories, sadness, exhaustion and celebrations. But in honest as much as this year as been the best it's also been very hard. I have documented and written about Ariyah's milestones as well as challenges we have faced throught this year. However haven't really be honest with how I have been, well both of us individually and as a couple. I have hidden alot of the struggles, keeping them behind closed doors. But now I think more then ever it is time to talk about it. I didn't mainly because I was always convincing myself that it was all rosy and would just get better. Which of course it did in time, I feel that is why I can talk about it now
Where as I myself have struggled for many reasons, I have only just really been able to fully talk about my experience in fatherhood, with postnatal feelings. There is a lot of stigma around postnatal depression especially more so for dads then mum's. Fortunately I do not think I fully do have postnatal depression however I have really struggled, at times felt like I was just a failure to our children. It took me a long time to understand these feeling, to then be about to talk to Ben let alone express them publicly.
I want to write this post because it's okay to not feel over the moon, in love, so happy all the time. Humans have fluctuations in there emotions and state of mind which is all acceptable. Therefore I want to just write this post to show support, breaking that stigma to protest that parenting is hard, harder then you could ever imagine or been told. Obviously it is worth it and there are great high points, proud heartwarming moments, while day to day can be channelling for many reasons.
I want to break that stigma in all parent but mainly dads or the partner who did not carry the baby.
So as you will all know if you been following or caught up reading all my post you will be able to recall that the pregnancy was very high risk, stressful and just terrifying. Due to losing Nico, then not having large amounts of support it made it harder. Then there been many challenges we were not prepared for.
Some of these are physical, or just life environmental happening while many were emotional. Some of the points that presented as challenging as and that we found very difficult were-
Reflux/silence reflux- this was hard from the very beginning. Where Ariyah-mai was projectile vomiting everywhere all the time. She screamed in pain, especially when she was put down or laid on her back. None of us got any sleep and she still is not a good sleeper. To watch your baby grunnt,, cry, vomit andd choke, knowing their in pain and there was nothing we could do to stop it.
She ended up in hospital being tube feed, then many other times because of rashes, food reactions or just general being so unwell because of her reflux.
At times as a parent it felt like we could not help her, nothing we could do would calm her, make her sleep better or anything. We were having to watch her suffer, being soo ill but not being able to do anything. With the constant crying, arching her back, not feeding regularly, vomiting and complete lack of sleep this make us tired and snappy at each other. It made things just difficult. We felt, well I felt useless at times by not being able to calm her down or get her to sleep. I felt I was failing her, I didn't know her cues, she wouldn't settle or sleep and it was very frustrating at times.
Mainly as she got older and heavier. When it's 2am and she already been up since midnight. We be rocking her, as she would arch her back, wiggling in discomfort, just trying to get comforty. She is 21lb now so not light to hold for long periods of time anymore. However we cannot put her down until she is sound asleep because she wake up instantly! It is like a light bulb she could be snoring away but as you lay her down she be wide wake chatting and smiling. She got used to being held from a tiny baby due to the reflux, because she had to held upright after every feed, or she would choke at night. Thus us having to hold her, too afraid to put her down. So now it's her comfort, she has to be cuddled and rocked to sleep. Which is fine getting her to bed (easily) with her milk but when it's early hours she will not settle. We have tried everything and at our wits end.
On top of this there are all these pressure as parents to sleep train your baby, getting judge if they are not sleeping through the night or cannot self sooth. That they are reaching milestones and don't ever cry. But in most cases this doesn't happen. Majority of babies do not sleep through the night in their first year of life. Even if they do it may be the odd night or so because sleep regressions, teething, illness anything really can disturb a babies routine or sleep patterns. Therefore why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and our babies. They need a cuddle for reassurence, love and comfort, it's a need! So please do not feel bad for providing that to your baby.
Let break this stigma and pressure instead supporting each other as parents rather then judging each other. Because there is no one way to do things. No right or wrong. People have there own ways and each babies is different with their own needs. We all know partening is hard so we need to be raising each other up. Not making it harder!
One major challenge for me was when I had my chest surgery back in December, it was tough going in terms of my recovery as I was unable to hold or feed her. Ben was looking after us both, which I have always felt I owned him for. Not only was he caring for me he also had her at the hardest time with her reflux and allergy flair ups. My step mum was great help but no one else bothered to help Ben! This meant he was tired and struggled. I felt useless, selfish and bad on him.
Additionally we got lots of pressure from everyone as they told what we should or shouldn't be doing from loved ones around us, to those online. Whilst we know they were trying to show their love and support it never felt that way. We felt judged, useless, defeated. Medical staff were no better, our health visitor was never available, we had to fight gp, hospitals and others for the right care for Ariyah. Being told she has no allergies, that it's colic or she just fussy. To just give her water for constipation when she hadn't been for over a week and she in agony with stomach at just 3 months old. Told she had a cold or bronchitis when it was reflux. But we did just that we fought for the right care until we finally got dietian and the right care when she was 7 months old.
Then we had the damp mouldy flat we're we lived in one room for two months, this did not help ariyah health, sleep or our sanity. Again family putting added pressure on us, especially Ben's family who were not accepting me as Ariyah's dad. Would voice that my family were not her blood, in front of me too! This again made my mental health worse. I already felt useless due to having surgery because I was unable to help Ben much, I felt I had not been able to fully bond with Ariyah-mai. She Was only 8 weeks when I had it and until about 4/5 months I werent able to fully hold her. I could if she was sleeping, or I could start the feed but then she get wiggly, arching, be sick or need burbling Ben had to take her. I could rock her or get her to sleep, could not bath, or change her. Because she was such a determined, active wiggly baby. My role were to sit on floor and play which isn't bad, or cuddle her when she was asleep but meant Ben was doing all the hard work. His family reminded us of that and made me feel really low. They also said I controlled Ben as il tell him what to do, or take her off him to have cuddles. But I couldn't do much else. So this put alot of rain on our relationship, mental health and just general wellbeing. The mouldy flat was a reason we moved but more so to get away (as was planning to move just damp made it sooner)
Again we got so much grief moving, saying I made Ben move away, I controlled him. We were taking Ariyah away from her only blood family. That we were moving closer to my family (which is not true). We moved to be in the middle of everyone. And to a place were I had a job.
After all this we had covid and a national lockdown, just as we moved. Meaning we met no friends, no baby groups, no parks, soft play, shops, no work, nothing. We both were struck in doors together with a new house and sick, active baby. This came with a whole load of different kinds of stresses.
All these stress, external factors put a strain on our relationship :
Me and Ben have had a real difficult few months, due to lack of sleep and exhustation we would snap at each other, get into silly argument over nothing at all. Which I know is all normal and to be expected with all that's happened this year however, adding in our past, mental health and just lots of mixed feelings we really did hit a real low.
We realised we kind of fell out of love, obviously we still cared and loved each other, muddling through each day. But we both did not show each other that love, affection or appreciation like we used to. Things just got in the way. We had no time for ourselves or as a couple which put strain on everything too. With lockdown we were unable to have any time without ariyah for like date nights or even to just sort things out. Ariyah being poorly, teething constantly and just an active sleepless baby meant we didn't get a break. When she was asleep at night finally the few hours before she would wake again. We were sorting the house, painting, unpacking, cleaning ect... Before crashing out ourselves.
So yes we did make each other feel unloved, unappreciated and just worthless really, it was like we were all just living day to day, on robotic routine. It had to get really bad for us to realise what we had to loss.
Meanwhile we wanted to try and fix things, we loved and care and deep down we knew that. The amount we been through we wouldn't let anything get in the way of that.
We are in a better place now then before, we have rekindle our marriage. Thus best of all feel in love all over again. The feelings are like when we first met, now even stronger. Now we are stable and in such an amazing place. I can now write and share the experience we had other these last few months well this year of 2020.
Ariyah being poorly, my surgery, moving homes, changing jobs, covid virus, lockdown, family break ups, Ben starting homrones again, me coming off. Its been a crazy year.
But the most important thing we have learnt is talk!!! Communication is so important. We stopped talking, telling each other how we felt. We argued instead of saying what was actually wrong. Instead of planning or working things out together we just fought against each other. We didn't support one another or ourselves. We put ourselves down with negative thoughts and let over people get to us.
This broke us, it distroyed our relationship, our own confidence and self worth. But I am so thankful and lucky we found a way back. It was the help of a great friend who realised and support us to face how we felt and truly talk and listen to each other. From there we were able to have a real adult conversation where we got everything out in the open, our deepest feelings that we both hidden for months. This is only when we were able to then see how bad it had got, while we could resolve most of it and fix it. There are still days we're we both struggle but we support each other now, raise our own worth as well as each others. This is all we needed to do, support each other and talk more in order to deal with daily stresses. I love Ben so much, he is so caring and has the kindesss heart, he lost his way in himself too just as much much as I did. I am so happy and glad we have sorted it out together. I feel like not only have I got my husband back, I've got myself, our life, future and dreams back on track. We know what we need and want. Lucky dispite us losing our ways we never let it effect our parenting and put ariyah first. She is striving and doing amazingly. We so proud of her. I feel me and Ben can truly treasure these moments because she is growing so fast. We can actually start being a family, planning for the future and just being all loved and excitement again. I know we can get through anything together now, that we both hit rock bottom individually, as parents and as a couple.
So here to speaking out! No matter how you feel what's going on talk to someone, anyone. Even a stranger online like me as always here to guide and help others. That what all these blogs are about and why is started them after losing our son. So here to breaking the stigma, raising above mental health and fighting back. It's going to be a long road and it's not easy but its okay to feel however you do, it's okay to have bad, dark days, what's important is raising back, supporting each other and loving yourself.
I now feel in a much better place, don't get me wrong it's not changed overnight, but I know I do have people who love and support me. That I am enough for our daughter by just being her dad. Loving and caring the best I can for her. Along with being a good husband by supporting Ben. More so I have learn to love myself again, to have confidence even if I don't feel I'm doing a good job. But to know I'm trying, which is what matters. That in time we will get there and got an amazing future to look forward to.
#mentalhealth #postnatledepression #mencancry #transdads #breakthestigma #loveyourself.
